The Outlandish World of Greg Goode Part IV I’m in the Agora waiting my turn, The sun’s bearing down and it’s starting to burn, I cast my vote straight into an urn: Chucking him out is the way that he’ll learn! The summit of the Acropolis seems like it is level with the endless blue sky. The heat is so strong it feels as if my skin might decide to simply fizzle up into flame any second. The whole Agora is fit to bursting as I push my way through the worst of the crowds outside the rope barrier of the voting area. There are thousands of us, both inside the cordon and beyond – all swarming like bees – and here for one reason alone: to choose who will be thrown out of the city. I have scratched my name on a broken piece of pottery and handed it in. I have cast my vote to decide who will be evicted… and as I mop my sweaty brow and survey the summit of this great, noble Athens, a grin erupts across my face. I’m beaming so hard my cheeks are starting to ache. Now, against my will, … [Read more...]
Expert Chocolatiers: Easily (Always) Distracted by Beer
The window display in Phillip Neal’s chocolate shop on Turnham Green Terrace is so monstrously exciting that we can hardly resist stopping to admire the Easter eggs. There's always such a fantastic display and these are just an added bonus in amongst the fun chocolate shoes, bizarre gold Buddhas and all the other bits and bobs that make up the shop’s usual wares. “Have you ever tried that ‘raw chocolate pie’ stuff?” Kathryn asks suddenly, after we’ve salivated for a minute or two. Once it had been established that Nick doesn’t have a clue that raw chocolate pie is actually a thing, we make our way further up the street to the ‘Natural Food Store’ and straight to the fridge at the back. There are three flavours on display: ‘Nut’, ‘Peppermint’ and 'Chilli’ all wrapped in small brightly coloured 60g packets. … [Read more...]
New Single: Spamming to the Tune of Bob Marley’s Jammin’
Not all spam is bad… some of it is so brilliant it even deserves a song. Click here to read our mission statement, find out what we're talking about... and hear the full song. Slices of Spam: Spamming is available on iTunes, Amazon and the Google Play Store... All proceeds generously donated to the Kathryn and Nick 2014 beer fund. … [Read more...]
Political Diaries: Anarchy in the UK?
The Outlandish World of Greg Goode – Pt 3 They chanted for freedom, I didn’t know why, Whirling around me their placards raised high. I only stepped out for a walk in the sun, When half-baked rebellion squashed all my fun. “Death to the fat cats!” rang out their decree. “Good golly!” I stammered… they may well mean me. The scampering behind me grew louder and the low murmured chanting became clear. I quickened my pace, but the steps grew closer and disembodied slogans boomed out to deliver messages of doom to the rich, powerful and oppressive. There was no escaping it, they were coming for me. As I slipped into top gear, old legs pumping as fast as they would go, the throng of noise and revolution enveloped me and I stared into the face of Guy Fawkes… hundreds of them. … [Read more...]
A Musical: Morrissey & the Courtroom Menagerie
Morrissey stands in the dock accused of a heinous list of offences ranging from necromancy to crimes against planet Earth. The prosecution is led by Princess Mary-Beth Gigglenot, whilst a troop of bunny rabbits make up his defence. What really happened and will he be found guilty? Fluffy Bunnies Cannot Lie … [Read more...]
Historical News: Cooking with Fascists
After seeing Nick Griffin branching out into Fanny Craddock territory… we couldn’t help be struck by what a great job he did. All the bases were covered for his demographic: homely practical advice, good old fashioned platitudes and casual racism. All budgets were accounted for… although his kitchen may have been a tad opulent (Perhaps there will be a Bedsit Baking or Squat Soufflé coming soon though?). However, we were intrigued, and we did wonder if anything similar had been done in the past. Our subsequent searches returned some pretty interesting findings: … [Read more...]
Political Diaries: The Liberal Sub-Conservatives
The Outlandish World of Greg Goode – Pt 2 He spoke of the future and who they oppose Of battling all evil, defeating vile foes He pledged up their 'Freedom' to raucous applause And Partisans gave themselves to his epic cause Then as he paid tribute to those who he led I slipped away quietly, scratching my head His knuckles turned white as he gripped the edges of the lectern and coaxed it into life, swaying it from side to side like a giant metronome preparing to set the beat for what was coming next. As the rhythm of his lurch quickened pace, the air in the hall became hot and a low hum raised itself around the room. Without warning the speaker burst forth, spraying the waiting pew-dwellers with a million words a minute and causing the entire room to move in time with the small wooden podium. As the fervour grew, men, women and children jumped to their feet, whooping approval in a chorus that built to a deafening crescendo inside the small church. … [Read more...]
Song: Oozing Brie – by Stella & the Fromagers
This month our favourite singer, Stella, booked her yearly cheese constitutional in France. She goes for the Reblochon – fresh, seeping and stinking; the Saint-Maure de Touraine – clean and flavoursome, with a gum-tingling rind… and of course the Brie – aged, oozing and reeking. Unfortunately, for the fifth year running, her husband – a cheese dunce by all accounts – will not be going with her. This latest refusal has made Stella reach for the guitar… and as usual, we’re happy she did. … [Read more...]
Political Diaries: Pilgrimage for Truth
The Outlandish World of Greg Goode - Pt 1 I'm a capitalist, yank, damn baby boomer Labelled in the past as a zealot consumer But I will not pray in a church made of greed It's more like-minded people of which I have need Partisans, comrades, Searchlight's optioned my voice I hope you'll listen as I hunt for a choice Partisans, my name is Greg Goode and I am an evil capitalist billionaire recently moved to Britain from the US via central France. My first business was oil. My second art. On the continent I tried – and failed – to build an agrarian paradise in the grounds of my 18th century chateau. Now my wife Victoria and I are settled in London and life has never been better. Dual citizenship with this fine country and my own looms pleasantly in the distance and a number of people are telling me that I should be looking to slow down. But I can't. I find myself restless, unfulfilled and desperate to find some higher purpose. So as you can imagine, I was extremely pleased … [Read more...]
Chiswick House: Cue the Music… (Or Why We’ve Been Socially Inept Since 2007)
The weather was still annoyingly indecisive as we wandered along the dual carriageway to the main entrance of Chiswick House grounds. It all seemed a bit of a swizz for Spring, but least it hadn’t rained for a couple of days, and we had been reliably informed that one of the finest shows of the season would soon be underway. Ducking into the grounds by the North Lodge, we made our way past the grand old gatehouse and through the orchard where some of the apple blossoms were just a few weeks away from making themselves known. It was getting on for 5.00pm as we tiptoed through the Italian gardens. “Where’s the cascade again?” began Nick, looking a tad lost. The reply, which involved the phrase “past the Ha Ha and behind the house,” did nothing to ease the look of confusion. Dodging through the Roman looking statues, with Kathryn taking the lead, we quickened our pace and made a beeline for the brilliant white house. … [Read more...]